3.29.2005

the chosen path...

you must pardon me if I wax a bit poetic here, I think the few little hints of Springtime the goddess has been teasing us with have been getting my mind to wandering a bit... or, it could have been the fourteen hour adventure in Middle Earth last Friday with my friend Larry... or it could be that, due to being in the downside of my time in this part of life, my mind is a bit concentrated on things that I still need to do with the time that has been given to me. Whatever it is, I've been doing a lot of floss gathering of late, thinking about the paths that I've chosen to tread over these many years and those that yet lay before me. It's hard to contend with the emotions of realizing that, in spite of my best efforts, I've chosen those ways that have led me to spend many years of my life doing for so many others and may have let slip by some of the time and things that I really wanted to do for myself, as trivial as they may seem in the face of what I have done. I've given up many things that I needed to do for myself over the years to make sure that others in my life have had what they needed and wanted and maybe I'm feeling a bit over-used, not in a bad way, but in a way that I think that my ability to fulfill some of my desires and needs and dreams may be waning and, perhaps, be gone forever in the face of time past. I don't mean to sound selfish, and that isn't what I'm trying to be, but I think I've come to a fork in the road that bears sitting down and contemplating a bit before I head off again. There are some things in my life that I need to change, there are some things that will never change and some that I don't know what to do with. On the upside, I've been blessed to have a most wonderful family. Sometimes they make me nuts and frustrate me more than you can possibly imagine, but that's partly my fault because I want them to enjoy the same wonderful life I've had and I'm a bit impatient with my daughter's ways of approaching their lives, I need to realize, more than I do now, that they need to find their own way and will, I'm quite sure. I think the most wonderful thing in my life is that I have been fortunate to have found another soul that I hold so dear, and holds me so dear, that we will be together to the end of these days and beyond. It is a wonderful thing to know that you are bound to someone else beyond all others and it is a binding that is so simple but so complex, so tightly bound but so loosely tied together. It is a treasure, indeed, to have someone who puts you before the superfluous and material things and, indeed, it is a treasure to have someone who knows that, in your heart, you are of good and just ways, inspite of the outer trappings. I am lucky, in that respect.
But, in the face of all that, I still feel there is a small chink in my soul that needs filling with something that has remained out of my grasp or at least my comprehension. I sometimes think it is true peace; not the peace of all things being quiet, calm, but the peace that comes with knowing that you are at one with things. It's hard to explain. It's like looking for a switch that turns on not the light, but the dark. It's like a door that opens to be closed. It's a conundrum, it is. I don't know if I will ever find that little missing piece of my life to fill that little hole in my soul and I don't even know where to start looking. Maybe the whole of it all will be that little piece, that, in the end, will compress into that tiny, little sliver to fill the crack, that will seal my soul and let me know that exhilaration, if only for a flash of time, before it's all over. Maybe we look too hard and too far to find that little thing, maybe we need to be like an old star that expands in it's brightness to shine above all others in the universe, only to collapse in on itself and, finally, become a black hole that pulls everything into it to the point where it becomes one with the all...
Maybe I just need to go walk in the woods a while at night and talk to the goddess, or spend a morning in the wilderness to hear the piper at the gates of dawn play his wistful plaint to welcome in the light... maybe I need to stop looking and let it find me...
It's hard to feel lost and found at the same time...
pearls before swine...

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