what am I listening to..?
The Magnolia Electric Company - "Farewell Transmission"

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sorry...
that I'm not feeling so witty these days. Lack of frivolity is a problem of late. Actually, I'm pretty fucking depressed. I think that's why I have these nostalgic interludes like Friday night's little wisp of life in California so many years ago... sometimes I get a little achey for moments like that...
Isn't it something that so brief an encounter or so slight a moment can engrave itself on your memory forever? What led up to that moment or what came after is really of no consequence in my mind, it is that one specific moment that I carry. Memories of fleeting moments are what haunt me so much. I hope that sometime before I pass on to the next great event that I can put the puzzle of these little, special pieces together and see what the picture is. I hope it's whatever I need to learn before I'm allowed to move on to the next phase, rather than an example of why I have to repeat it all over again. I've never looked for the easy way out of this plane of life... I've tried so very hard to hear and see and feel and touch everything... I hope I haven't wasted the chance. Geez, it sounds like I'm ready to take the pipe, doesn't it? Worry not, friends, I intend to be around for a long, long time, pissing as many people off as possible. I intend to become the really, really sad, fucking ancient goth.
So, anyway... savour those little slices of life. They are what it is all about.

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what am I listening to..?
nothing

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I really hate...
lairs. egomaniacal liars. insulting egomaniacal liars. especially when you are powerless to confront them, because it would do others irreparable harm. maybe sometime the truth will out, and then I will feel better. I won't gloat. I will just be happy that others will then know what I know now.

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Just a moment in Coronado, California, late at night, in winter...

She led me by the hand, into the dark of her apartment over the luncheonette. I stood still in the mystery of her kitchen, while she closed and locked the door. She knew her way around in the dark, I was as good as the amateur blind. She walked up and put her arms around my waist, pulling me to her. I put my hands between the waterfall of her hair and the back of her neck. Her hair was scented with the chill of the outside night air, and her skin was smooth. She was wearing a red and black plaid flannel shirt. It was winter.

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what am I listening to..?
Soul Whirling Somewhere - "Everyone Will Eventually Leave You."

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it all matters...
I can balance the whole of the world on the end of my finger.
I can tell you things about the difference between the light and the dark that you might not know... or care to.
I can fly like a bird.
I can see with my eyes shut.
I have been alive for millions and millions of years.
I have whispered before your fire.
I can hear the story in your eyes.
I have touched.
I know all things...

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what am I listening to..?
you wouldn't believe it nor understand...

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two things...
number one: I think that I'm either very tired or have, once again, succumbed to writer's block. (I think I caught it from Aimee...)
number two: I'm not sure it matters, as I think many of you don't really want to read what I really want to write anyway.

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I'm not lazy...
really, I mean it... I honestly intended to write this huge entry about my personal spirituality and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it would bear much more thought before being committed to word. So, until I sort it all out headwise, you will probably have to wait another day or two. Sorry.

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a very merry Spring...
to you all. The circle was scribed in the snow; white and red candles lit; thanks given; the bell was rung; the earth was annointed with ale; the trees were touched to wake them up. and so it began.

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what am I listening to..?
NCAA first round on TV...

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so far, so good...
I've had exactly zero cigarettes, one cup of decaf coffee and no junk food since midnight Sunday... I have not yet killed anyone, nor have I kicked the dog or abused the cat. I believe that I actually stopped smoking at the right time, according to all available astronomical information, as I've had no cravings at all to light up. The real test will be this weekend, I'm hoping to get in touch with my friend Bob to go see Dawn of the Dead. Part of our friendship ritual is "burning a johnny" as he is wont to call it...
and drinking coffee. They are special moments that I spend with him...
On a lighter note, they (the weather prognosticators...) are calling for six to eight inches of snow tonight here in NJ. I hope it does come down in buckets. I'm burning a vacation day Friday to see my accountant and go over the taxes and then I would love to come home and go for a long hike through the woods in the freshly fallen snow. I also think that we've run out of heating oil. As usual, perfect timing. Time to fire up the coal stoves!
Well, friends, I think I need a glass of wine and some night air. Remember, spring starts early Saturday morning! 1:49 AM Eastern Standard Time... I will be outside, standing by the bonfire, welcoming it in! I hope you join me, at least in spirit! Have a wonderful evening.

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what am I listening to..?
the countdown to midnight...

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panic mode...
only seven and a half hours to go before I try to kick the tobacco habit. I've performed all the appropriate rituals; an ending ritual, a strength ritual, a beginning ritual and a clarifying ritual. I think I've covered all the bases... I hope.
I've also prepared a weeks worth of high protein meals and snacks to help me get over the effect of nicotine withdrawal, along with a good supply of decaf green tea, some chamomile tea and some St. John's wort. I'm going to try to kick the caffeine habit at the same time, since one habit seems to foster the other. I'm steeled for the battle, though, come what may.
So, now all I have to do is disconnect the gas line to the oven, hide all the sharp knives and rope in the house... I think if I can get through the first week I'll be ok. I'll let you all know how it goes.
Well, I think I'm going to go have some dinner and then write a new music review for the Cafe. I'll see you later!

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I forgot...
about this... if you love "The Exorcist" and you love bunnies... click here.
Now I'm going for that walk and smoke...
later

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what am I listening to..?
Notre Dame versus UConn on the tube...

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I feel like...
the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland... too much to do and no time to do it. I just spent an hour filling out a FAFSA renewal form for my daughter's last year in school. It's fun living in limbo land... we make too much to get her any real help and we don't make enough to pay what the government says we can afford to pay... after four years, I still can't figure that one out. No matter, it will all be over soon, she graduates in June with a BS in Biology. Very bright, hard working kid, is she.
Things still to do: I have to create some link buttons for people to put on their web pages to link to the Cafe site, and I have to write a new music review. and add more links. and answer emails from Cafe visitors. and do some research on Roller Derby... Roller Derby??? "What the hell is he talking about now???" (any of you young lady readers out there know how to skate???)
Still have to write my "goth as insect" blog entry. Still have to catch up on reading everyone else's blogs. Still have to contact someone who is willing to help make this mess pretty to look at. Still have to get working on the gardens. Still have to finish the kitchen remodeling project and fix the bathroom ceiling and chase the flying squirrells out of the attic and still have to do about a hundred other things.... it is endless.
It's hard to be a somber, sullen old goth when you're so busy...
I have made a few decisions lately, actually a big one today; as of midnight Sunday, I'm going to quit smoking cigarettes... this decision is not made lightly; I dearly love cigarettes... nothing like beating a heater with a cup of coffee after dinner; nothing like a fag with a beer; however, I dearly love my lungs and I think it is time to give them a break, even though I hardly ever inhale... really, I don't. I may try switching back to my pipes and some herbal smoking mixtures to get over it. Pipes are a pain in the ass to smoke, so they aren't as handy as butts, so I'm less likely to take the time unless the time is truely warranted taking. Besides, some common herbs have an interesting effect when smoked, especially in the right blends. I will let you in on some of the other decisions as they are put into effect... some are minor, some are drastic, but all are interesting.
Well, friends, it's a beautiful night here in New Jersey. I think I'm going to go for a short walk through the woods and see if I can scare up a spirit or two, or maybe some of the wee folk. And have a cigarette; gotta get them in while I can...
I bid thee all fair 'eve.

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what am I listening to..?
my own plaintive wailing...

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grrrr...
well, it's been a week since I've posted anything and now what I have to say is nothing good. I spent the day in the Big Apple at the first round of the Big East Basketball Tournament (tormentment?) and my beloved Rutgers lost... by three points. I waited out side in the cold and wind after the game for the team to come out and they were completely dejected, especially our adopted son Herve. (that's him jamming one against the Irish!) They've taken three beatings in a row and it has finally gotten to them. Some of the guys looked like they'd been crying, but they have nothing to hang their heads about. They busted their asses all season to get the chance to play today and all true fans are so proud of them. They are all great guys and we love them all. Now it's off the the NIT! My black little heart is getting a work out these days...
Well, not a very gothy post, huh? I might be back later to expound and expand on an idea from Erin in her blog... the goth as insect...
Oh, yeah, thanks to everyone who joined in the Cafe chat last friday night. Looking forward to the next one!
later

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what am I listening to..?
basketball, what else...

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a reminder...
if you watched the opening episode of either Steven King's Kingdom Hospital or SciFi's Mad Mad House, stop on in the Cafe Chat Room the Friday night at 8PM Eastern time and let us know what you think of either or both of them.
See you then!

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what am I listening to..?
Rutgers versus Virginia Tech on the wireless... GO R-U!

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sorry...
about the rant earlier today. I've always tried to keep politics out of this mess, but that really got me in a twist. Maybe it's my western hemisphere upbringing... I've been taught that when someone does something nice for you, like kicking your blood-thirsty dictator out and trying to help restore basic human freedoms in your country, you usually say something like "thank you", not throw a piss fit when something happens that's not to your liking. I'd like to say that I can sympathize with their emotions, but that would not be true; I've never had to live in fear of being carted away in the middle of the night, tortured and murdered, nor have I had to suffer being persecuted for my beliefs, so I can only imagine what's going on in the minds of the Iraqi people these days, but enough is enough. They, like we, don't have many options right now - we can't and shouldn't abandon them, we're as much responsible for their future now as they are. (personal politics aside, thanks). Whether or not I agree with the situation or the rationalizations behind it, I subscribe to the old Chinese saying, "when you save a life, you are responsible for that life...". We are responsible for setting it straight. We will sometimes have to take it on the jaw, both over there and at home. (we = the free people of the world). "And", as Forrest Gump said, "that's all I have to say about that.".

Other than that, life is grand. I'm sitting in the lair, a glass of organic red wine at hand, listening to a basketball game on scratchy AM radio. There's a sort of comfort listening to AM. The signal wavers in and out, giving the broadcast a sort of phase shifter effect, like an old 60's psychrock song. There's varying degrees of static and background noise, sometimes the ghost of another station tries to haunt the broadcast. I grew up listening to AM radio. My childhood home was always filled with music, either on the wireless, or the old mono recordplayer. I have very fond memories of waking up every morning and hearing one of the local AM jazz stations on in the kitchen, sharing the air in the house with the ever present aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Any time I was in the car with my parents, the radio was on, the radio competing with the hum of the tires, pouring out more scratchy jazz or, in the summer, a ball game. My musical tastes were honed by the likes of radio shows such as "The Milkman's Matinee", which was on from four in the morning till eight, then it was the Clavin and Finch show, with more jazz and big band stuff and crazy clean fun. On Saturday, there was a real treat in the morning, a local New York dj by name of William B. Williams. That man had a wit drier than the Saraha. I can't tell you how many times my father and I laughed to tears at his comments.
The world of FM was way off... The first time I really listened to FM was when the famous WNEW 102.7 came on line in, I think, 1967. Rock and roll never sounded so good! But you know, when it comes down to it, I'd rather listen to some big bands and swing on good old AM, than the slicked down stuff of FM. Maybe it's the nostalgia factor. Maybe it's the adventure of AM radio... wondering if it will come in clearly, spinning the late night AM dial in the summer, when the clear air brings in stations from so far away. Maybe that's why I like my old dial-up modem. It's an adventure all it's own.
well, I'm going to go listen to the second half of the game. have a wonderful evening.
and, what ever or whom ever your gods are, take a minute to pray for peace. it can't hurt.
later.

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what am I listening to..?
myself... seething...

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you ungrateful fucks...
thank you for ruining my lunch break. All I wanted to do was sit here, eat my salad and catch up on the news on the web. And what is the first thing I see on FoxNews? The Shiites in Iraq are blaming lax US security for the suicide bombings yesterday that killed in excess of 250 of their ilk. Here's a byte from the FoxNews story, chanted by the Shiite mobs: "No, no, Americans! No, no Israel! No, no, terrorists!" they chanted, carrying red, black and green flags, symbols of martyrdom traditionally used for Ashoura ceremonies. (the italics are mine). Let's see... just a little over a year ago, these same Shiites were hiding in their basements, terrified that Saddam might send little Uday or Quasy over to root them out and hand them a free pass to go join the quarter million others that lay in unmarked mass graves, and now they blame the US for an attack by their bretheren that killed and wounded scores of them celebrating a Shiite Muslim Holy Day.... I guess the idea that your fellow Muslim factions are nothing but a bunch of murderous, blood-thirsty murderers hasn't yet entered you recently freed minds. You know what? I think the coalition forces should pull out of your miserable sand trap of a country and let you fuckers sort it out yourselves. Maybe after you kill yourselves off, we can come back and "liberate" all of our oil drilling and refining equipment that you former despot leader "claimed" in the name of Iraq. That way I won't end up paying three dollars a gallon for gas this summer so I can drive back and forth to work to pay taxes to support keeping our armed forces over there to make you assholes behave. Maybe you liked it better when the Baath Party was in power? Fuck you. Fuck all of you.
Oh, yeah, here's a little tidbit for you to read about the coalition forces that are over there getting killed making it safe for your sandy little asses to celebrate your holy days:
There have been 647 coalition deaths, 550 Americans, 59 Britons, five Bulgarians, one Dane, 17 Italians, two Poles, 10 Spaniards, two Thai and one Ukrainian, in the war as of March 2, 2004.
... how many more?

Fuck you. Fuck you all.

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HA..!
seek and ye shall find!
This is from the wonderful Winemaking Home Page of Jack Keller of Pleasanton, Texas!
Thanks Jack!!!


COFFEE WINE

* ½ lb freshly ground coffee
* 2½ lbs dark brown sugar
* 1½ tsp citric acid
* ¼ tsp tannin
* 7½ pts water
* 1 tsp yeast nutrient
* Sauterne wine yeast

Pour water in pot and put on to boil. Stir in sugar until dissolved. When sugar is completely dissolved, stir coffee into water and wait until it boils. Remove from heat, cover and allow to cool. To a sanitized secondary, combine citric acid, tannin and yeast nutrient. Strain coffee through double layer of muslin into secondary, discarding the grounds. Add activated yeast and cover mouth of secondary with napkin held in place with rubber band. When fermentation is vigorous, fit airlock. Rack three times, 60 days apart, topping up and refitting airlock each time. If desired dry, rack into bottles. If desired sweet or semi-sweet, stabilize, sweeten to taste, wait 10 days, and rack into bottles. [Recipe adapted from Leo Zanelli's Home Winemaking from A to Z]

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